Why your shaming language to correct a behaviour is doing more harm to your child than you are trying to fix
“Failure must be an option, if failure is not an option you result in extremely conservative choices and you may get something worse than lack of innovation. Things may go backwards” — Elon Musk
Failure in Nigeria is accompanied by mockery, “I told you so” and shame.
As early as Primary School, kids are called to the front of the class to answer a question and if they blunder or make a mistake, the teacher turns around asks the class to shame their fellow student.
The class choruses “Shame Shame Shame SHAME”.
Can you imagine what that does to a child’s psyche?
Being on the receiving end or see your friend or classmate shamed?
How eager would a child be to ask a question of clarity or just try an answer and see where it goes?
Many parents help their child with their homework with a cane or slipper in one hand and verbal nunchucks coming from their mouth.
“Are you stupid?” “don’t you have sense?” “can’t you use your common sense” “my friend will you stop wasting my time and answer” “if I should descend upon you”
Like a parental Drill sergeant, they hover above the child, ready to strike with both if the child doesn’t answer right or fast enough.
These children are petrified as they answer with trembling voices laced with fear.
The parent usually does this out of impatience, annoyance or irritation. They just want it done right and done quickly so they can attend to other things.
While they succeed in ticking the “Homework done” box they also succeed in making an association between Fear and Learning,
Getting things wrong = Pain.
Wrong answer = Disappointing Mum or Dad.
For some, they get over it and move on.
For some others; people-pleasers, the shy , timid, introverted, phlegmatics, attachment issues. it has a ripple effect on everything in their life.
Speaking up, saying the wrong thing = Punishment.
You either have to be perfect and absolutely right, or shut up and be quiet if you don’t know the right answer.
They fear uncertainty more than everyone else.
They stay silent while suffering because they don’t want to upset a loved one or an authority figure.
While parents have no malicious intent in their approach and sincerely want the best for that stubborn or easily distracted child.
I’m certain they don’t want an adult offspring who’s a compliant drone in the workplace.
Unable to speak up and constantly taken advantage of in the social and professional circles.
Innovation, Initiative and Experimenting in them are killed early.
Who knows how many scientists, researchers and inventors died the day a teacher shamed them in primary school.
The day a parent hovered over them, ready to strike if they answered wrong while doing Maths homework?
Would Thomas Edison have stayed so long working on the lightbulb if he received that treatment as a child?
Would Elon Musk persist through all the failed Rocket launches if early in life he was made terrified of failure or thought it spelt disappointment, humiliation or physical pain?
Would Michael Jordan be one of the greatest athletes of all time if he was shamed into quitting, after failing to make his High school basketball team?
Would Stephen King or Steven Spielberg be the creative legends they are, if they had quit due to early failure or rejection?
How many; songs, books, movies, the artwork, which wouldn’t exist if they were unwilling to fail during the process? Which every creative does.
In his famous TED talk, “Do Schools kill creativity?”, the late, Sir Ken Robinson said
“If you’re not prepared to be wrong, you’ll never come up with anything original.”
Make Failure, Fertiliser, use it to grow. Fail forward or allow it to cause regression.
We need to reframe how we see failure.
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