Fun can be a distraction from the DefCon 1 alarms going off
Why going on dates shouldn’t always be Fun, can create blindspots and what to do instead
A tourist sees fun in a city while a tax paying resident sees ignored problems
Dear Nephew and Niece
There is a naivety in how my generation, Millennials approached marriage which didn't exist for your baby boomers, your grandparents generation.
Millennials were the first to grow up with VHS, walkmans, 24 hours music television.
With those came sitcoms, romcoms, pop, and R& B with idealized, unrealistic, fantasy portrayals of relationships. Fuelled by first glance, serendipity, grand gestures. Chemistry, Feelings & Soul mates. Dating was all about excitement, fun, great sex, good food, and escapism. Aspirational life. Who wouldn’t want this?
Our parents and grandparents' generation weren’t overwhelmed with the idealization of relationships and love interest by Boyz II Men songs and Meg Ryan movies.
Not to the same volume.
This idealization is a sort of Halo effect.
We take the one quality that attracted us, her looks/his charisma, and use that to make them perfect.
The belief and expectation that “love(erotic) is all we need” and focusing on feeling good and entertainment, in many cases lead to avoidance of real or uncomfortable conversations which aren't fun or sexy, ruin the mood or moment.
Talking about roles, responsibility, and spousal expectations, the same way companies about to merge discuss is seen as killing the mood/vibe but it’s necessary.
Many then enter marriage and when the euphoria of the Honeymoon period settles and they have to deal with day-to-day routine, mundanity they realise how little they know about the person they married, cos the entire dating period was full of escapism.
That’s when you hear
“Don't expect me to…”
“it's your duty as a ….. to….”
“I am not your slave….”
Frustration and resentment from covert contracts and unmet expectations were never vocalised or discussed, only assumed.
So what if dating returned to its origins. Getting to know a person to see if a long-term relationship ie marriage, can happen.
What if out of every 10 dates, 6 can be fun and relaxing but 4 should involve some kind of team activity.
An activity that requires, collaboration, responsibility & problem-solving.
This way you see how they respond to pressure and things not going their way.
Just like marriage, managing a home, finances, and raising children would constantly be present.
How resourceful are they when things aren't ideal and do they focus on blame or solutions if things go wrong?
This could be as simple as say, cooking a meal together for a prize against other couples. Solving some sort of puzzle. Some sort of physical competition where you are dependant on each others ability to do their part.
If every date is about enjoyment, sweet nothings, performed with social masks.
You may find realise after the wedding that your spouse is, un-collaborative, a sore loser who never takes responsibility and expects to always be the recipient and 1st class passenger in the relationship.
She constantly wants to be served but balks at the expectation of serving anyone else.
She’d rather see you burn out/have a stroke earning, worrying about money and bills than spend a cent/pence/naira of her own money cos “the man pays for everything”
He’d rather see you collapse from exhaustion than contribute around the house cos “it’s a woman’s duty to….”
You discover she burned through savings meant for an investment that’d secure your collective future on consumer items cos “YOLO”, “I just had to have it” “don’t tell me what to do”. “It’s my money too”
Chemistry and Feelings can’t sustain any marriage through
a loss of income and drop in lifestyle
mounting bills and unexpected expenses
Bad Medical news.
Tragedy: loss of a parent, child, sibling
Long nights with a sick child and a looming work deadline.
Shattered plans and dreams.
So don’t let having fun get in the way of discovering their character and who they are beneath the surface when the dating spotlight is off and they aren’t shucking and jiving.
Make smart choices kiddos
Till next time
Your Uncle
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OTHER THOUGHTS & STORIES ON DATING/RELATIONSHIPS
