Your words are like a dagger with a jagged edge
Stop stabbing and killing people you love with your words. Here’s why & how
How deliberate would you be if every -ve sentence was a cyanide pill?
STICKS AND STONE DON’T HURT? THATS A LOAD OF BOLLOCKS
I’m sure you’ve heard the cliche
Stick and stones may break my bones but name will never hurt me
It’s more than a saying kids use as a response to bullies to act as if they are immune to hurtful words, but it’s a lie.
It’s one of the biggest lies sold to kids who aren’t yet emotionally mature enough to make themselves immune to the words and descriptions others use on them.
Have we forgotten how mean and vicious kids can be to each other?
Heck the brutal unfiltered honesty of kids can send some adults into tears and self consciousness.
Words are powerful and something a parent said to a child at age 10 could remain with them till their 40s, etched deep in their psyche and shaping their identity.
Words can be used to hurt or heal, they can be used as an olive branch or a scud missile.
SCENARIO 1
Back in my college days i texted a female friend and never got a response.
This was when mobile phones were still new in Nigeria (think Nokia 3310), calls and texts were expensive.
But with occasional glitch in the system there’d be free texts.
Made known when someone steps out of their dorm room and yells FREE TEXTS.
Months later I was in town and came across her, and asked about it. Her response was “I didn’t want to waste my texts”.
To her she was probably saying, i have limited texts.
I heard, you aren’t worth me spending a text to respond.
She probably wasn’t being malicious, but the nonchalance in her tone basically said,
“You aren’t relevant enough to risk being charged”
SCENARIO 2
A friend introduced me to his girlfriend cos he was planning on proposing to her soon. He wanted to know what I thought about her.
Unfortunately, this came after 3 consistent months of having frustrating interactions with some of the women in my life and one of them I wasn’t on speaking terms with.
I had felt taken for granted and disrespected and I was done.
I responded, “I dunno, I’m not the one marrying her”.
I immediately saw the hurt in his eyes due to my indifference. Unlike me, he voiced his disappointment and I felt lousy.
SCENARIO 3
I had been with this girl Vivian for a year, it was one of those weird friendlationships; more than friends, less than lovers.
It was a dumb move on my part. We spent anything from 8–9 hours on the phone every week. Constantly texted each other.
She’d call me at 11 pm to hear my voice before going to bed.
But she was in a relationship, or , “on a break”… Like I said, pretty dumb. (ref Emotional Vibrator)
Then one day, I texted her, telling her we need to talk and it couldn’t be over the phone.
Her response? I’ll see you if my “on a break” guy isn’t around.
This was a year into our friendlationship.
I had taken phone calls from this babe at 1 am and this was the response I deserved? You’re only relevant if he is unavailable.
Another matrix unplugs moment. I wasn’t angry, I wasn’t irritated.
But became numb and that was the final straw as there had been a lot of things
I had taken silently but shouldn’t have.
Why am I taking all of this from someone I’m not even dating?
It shifted my brain chemistry and things were never the same. I couldn’t see or think about her in the same way.
All the conversations flooded back and the micro-aggressions.
The avoidance and dismissive behaviour over the past year highlighted in my memory, as if I had been given those glasses from the John Carpenter 80’s classic “They Live”.
I could suddenly see it all, so clearly.
The Halo effect had blinded me to so much and I now had 20/20 vision.
It occurred to this is what breaks some romantic relationships- some marriages.
One day a spouse makes a casual statement and it turns a screw in their partner’s brain.
What am I doing with this person? Why am I taking this treatment? Why have I tolerated this for so long?
From that point on, they are unable to continue to see their spouse in the same light and either grow distant or disinterested toward them or express a wish to end the marriage.
It’s like an antique plate that breaks. It can never return to the same state even from the Kintsugi plate repair method.
Words which aren’t said with the intention to be hurtful can still manage to be very hurtful.
Words said in a tone which indicates you don’t care about the person or consider them less important.
Words which show nonchalance, indifference.
This doesn’t mean we should walk on eggshells and avoid tough conversations.
It means in such situations it’s best to apply Hanlon’s Razor an adage or rule of thumb that states,
“Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity
Even when something needs to be said we should choose our words and tone carefully. We should do it in the right place and time.
Frequently, our tone and word choice might cause the individual to shut down because they feel attacked, offended, or disrespectful, regardless of how significant or accurate what we are saying.
It can kill or reconfigure a relationship because they can never see that person in the same light, never let their guard down or be vulnerable around them anymore.
Proverbs 10:9 was right in saying
When there are many words, wrongdoing is unavoidable, But one who restrains his lips is wise.
